Hit & Run

I don't even know what to do. I'm not sure whether I'm at fault or I'm wrong. Is there even a chance that I may be right? I'm so confused.

The person I love with my life laid his hands on me last night. It wasn't his first time but it was his first time punching me across my face. Its wild because he's telling me he doesn't want to talk or see me because he still can't trust me.

I woke up this morning not knowing what to do because my man hit me the night before. I thought he didn't call or text because he thinks I want to leave him for hitting me but he's putting everything in reverse.

Am I not at fault? I'm so confused. 

I'm the type of person who forgive & forget, but I'm not sure whether or not I should forgive & forget this, I already know I won't forget it. My face still hurts right now.. It feels swollen. I'm crying because I'm still in shock almost; I just can't believe he really hit me. I thought you love me, what happened?

I can't believe he had to put me in this predicament. We were doing so well, now this. The crazy part is that, he's putting everything on me. But I was the one hit, I'm the one hurt, bruised, and battered in the face.

This is seriously a Hit & Run case. He hits me, and runs from his guilt.

I'm not sure what to do. How can the person you love, love you, and hit you, then makes it okay? Is that how it's supposed to work?

I had a talk with my great friend Ralph. He's the only person I've talked to and actually made sense so far. Thank you.

like Death was right next to me..

I don't think I've ever felt this sick in my life. My body was on fire, and my head was pounding, but I was shivering because I just felt cold, so cold, I felt helpless. I couldn't sleep through the night, couldn't take long naps, my body kept burning up, and it felt like my clothes was burning off. 

I usually wouldn't take any medication, not even if I was forced to. But last night, I just had to, because if I didn't, I think I would've died. I had to cover myself in blankets, and wear my hoodie zippered up, my socks on, and everything you can think of. I just had to be covered up.

I kept running out of breath. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I was so scared. 

All I wanted was comfort.

He was right next to me, he didn't care much.

Reality Check

Last night, when I was shivering the heat off my skin, when I couldn't breathe, when every part of my body ache. You sat there, and watched T.v. Aggravated because I couldn't do much to entertain you. You got bored, and was tired of seeing me.

Last night, I felt like I was going to die.

Last night, I was so scared.

Last night, your ignorance towards my sickness was obvious.

Last night, you let me walk upstairs to get my own medication.

Last night, if I was to fall, I think you would have let me stay there.

Today, I'm better.

Today, Your intentions of pointing out the obvious about our relationship's flaws were pointless if you weren't trying to fix it unless you're trying to tell me something else. I asked you if you wanted to leave me, your usual answers are getting way too old, "I never said that." But the real question is, is that what you're trying to say?

Today, you said that I get on your nerves every 2 minutes.

Today, you said that maybe we're not meant to be.

Today, you wanted to take me home.

Today, you said you didn't want to see my face.

Today, you said my things were crowding your space. Or maybe you're just trying to get me to take my things out of your room, your house, your life.

Today, you wanted me to just walk. You said it was nice out. I guess you were trying to tell me that that made it okay for me to walk to my cousin's house. Then you said you didn't want to drive me there because it was too far. What?

Today, you said you were going to hit the _ out of me.

Right now, I just smile. You're horrible. I really hate you.

Two weeks ago, you dumped me, two days later, you asked for me to be back in your life. That you couldn't be without me. I'm back, and you act like this. You told me everything would be better. You're actually killing me. I haven't been happy for a long time now. Things were getting better at first, you gave it about a week before you went back to your usual self. Now you make me believe that you haven't let anything go yet. Until then, I don't think it'll work. Like you said... we're not meant to be. But if being meant to be is so important, why is the subject about Marriage so hard to talk about?

two face

I don't even know how I got here, but I really don't like it. It's like I'm stuck under this light in a dark room and it all comes down to me. I know I can easily make this epic better but either way I'll end up hurting someone. When things start to get better for me, something always make it complicated to stay that way, but this time I actually don't know what to do. It's beating me up inside because it's not just my happiness this time.

Earlier this month, I went on a little trip to visit my family and cousins in North Carolina, the country side of the world, my world. I loved it. You would think it would be a horrible way to spend some vacation time for a city girl, but I actually really enjoyed my time. Although there were some mishaps, it was well worth it. I miss it already.

There, I met someone. Someone who for some reason really took my attention off of everything and dedicated it to him only. I'm not even sure what about him makes me so interested. It's like he's someone I really wanted to get to know. That was what I wanted and I just had to get it.

Little did I know, I'm not such a big deal to many people. I think I just set myself up for heartbreaks and depression.

This person is so delicate to me. Someone I completely adore. But in my heart, I know I can't have him. What should I do? My heart is in two different places.